Answering the Frequently Asked Question:
What Do I Do About My Child's Crying/Whining?

by Ali Spickler

Understanding Crying and Whining

All of us have moments when we feel like our lives are out of control. The lack of control children experience when they begin to whine or cry is not all that far from what we ourselves experience. But, it can be scarier for children because they lack the life experience that tells them they will feel in control again soon. Whining and crying are forms of communication, as unpleasant as they may be to hear, they are communication nonetheless. There are different reasons why young children cry and whine, depending on their stage of development.

Younger toddlers are going through the stage of developing trust. When they come to a new situation or transition they look to their family, those who they trust the most to say, "This is new and uncomfortable for me, I don't like this." At their young age, they are lacking the experience of language to communicate how they feel in words. Even very verbal toddlers are still unsure how to express themselves when they feel stress. Often, this communication comes out in tears.

As children get older, they move onto establishing their autonomy. Autonomy, better known as '''I want to do it myself!" is a very important stage; here, children are learning how and why we function in our world. As they get more independent and try new things, they can easily get scared or feel out of control. For the first time in their lives they are starting to understand power, and how/why to use it fairly. As with any new thing we learn, we figure out how it works by testing it in as many ways as possible and gaining insight from the reactions of those around us. It is important that we are careful in assessing the impulses behind children's crying and whining. Do they feel out of control? Are they testing our reactions to their behavior? Have they already gotten the message that this behavior gets a reaction they want? Even more important, we must remember that whatever the impulse is, our children are expressing real feelings and trying to learn about them.

Tools for Dealing with Crying and Whining

As difficult as it is for us to hear our children crying, I always encourage families make it OK to cry; "You really wish there were more cookies, its OK to cry if you are frustrated about that." Children get a release from crying that they need in order to calm themselves down when they feel out of control. This is our most natural human way of healing when we are hurting.

Your child is also learning about communication. How you react to their feelings and behaviors gives them cues how to react. When I find my self getting upset over crying or whining, I remember to breathe deep. I try to calmly state how their behavior makes me feel; "I find it really hard to listen to what you want when you use your whining voice." By calmly stating how you feel, you are modeling your desired communication style. By labeling their voice instead of them, it helps them understand exactly what they can change to stop whining.

Limits that are fair and make sense are very helpful and also great learning tools. Behaviors rarely change instantly, but limits give both adult and child a focus and direction for change. An example of a limit for younger toddlers might be; "I know you want to be held right now, but I need you to wait until I finish putting the groceries away." With older children, make sure you know what their impulse is before you set a limit. In one case a child may not know a certain behavior is inappropriate. They may begin to whine to get your attention. Help them understand the expectations; "I'll be done in 15 minutes and then I can help you. If it's hard to wait, see if your brother can help." If a child is whining because they feel out of control, set a limit that helps them regain control, and then deal with the issue; "I want you to slow down and use a calm voice to tell me what happened, then we can figure out how to fix it." Children learn where to draw their own boundaries from us. If we set fair limits clearly and consistently, our children will have less of a need to test the boundaries.

Two important things to remember - first, NO ONE'S PERFECT! I can recall many situations that I could have handled differently or more patiently. We are all doing the best we can. Second, NOTHING CHANGES OVERNIGHT! Give yourself and your child time to adjust to any new limits you use. Try things in different ways to see what limits feel right. When you find a technique that makes sense, be consistent. Often it turns out to be the consistency that makes sense to your child and helps them get through their need to whine.

Your child's teacher can be a great resource to you for planning, support or even just someone to vent to. It's never easy to deal with crying or whining, but if we work together to be consistent we can help create easier communication habits for our children.

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